candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.