Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
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[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
This fish is cracking me up
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*gets down on one knee*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.