Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.