@iliezabeth DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
@Bownuggets I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
You Might Also Like
@iliezabeth 
@AbrasiveGhost [torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
@alive_and_dying You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
@TheHatStore how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
@AmishPornStar1 I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
@mariamainmo “What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
@david8hughes “You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
@SortaBad Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over ๐
P: can’t. Kidnapped ๐
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
@ThisLocalHater [During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.