I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*


[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]



You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.


how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me


“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”


This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.


Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over ๐Ÿ˜‰
P: can’t. Kidnapped ๐Ÿ™
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k


[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.