Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds