Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car: