Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving