In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
i think we should see other cousins
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m going to need a moment here.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
No, YOUR illiterate.