What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”