His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You Might Also Like
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”