Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Don鈥檛 even wrap my subway sandwich up, I鈥檓 wearing it out of the store.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
The Onion called it…again.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Basically.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Reese鈥檚 Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
According to math, I’m broke
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.馃ゴ
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it鈥檚 Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can鈥檛 miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He鈥檚 picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He鈥檚 hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN鈥橳 SEE HIM!!
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Groundhog is like regular hog except it鈥檚 easier to make burgers out of it.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that鈥檚 my favorite!
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don鈥檛 worry, I鈥檒l make it look like an accident
Did I do this right
Welcome to your 40s: here鈥檚 ten pounds.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David