I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me recordaron éste meme
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Inside you there are two wolves
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.