me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
You Might Also Like
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m ready for Halloween this year
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral