My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”