You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
ouch
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”