You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
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My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Worth remembering.
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I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance