if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
called in thicc to work this morning
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.