Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
You Might Also Like
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Just grow your own
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
taking June’s advice to heart
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Okay, I’m still confused…
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.