I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Hit me in the face with a bird
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.