I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

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“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro


No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”


ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.


Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed


When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.


They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.


NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH: what


Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”