I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Twitter is an abusement park.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning