@basic_afbitch

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

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@Reverend_Scott

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

@DairylandDon

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

@clichedout

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

@Gowitty1

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@ryanqnorth

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

@beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

@Ameiam

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

@bobvulfov

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”