I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
True freaking story!
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I found your tweet-up…
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Just a friendly reminder!
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.