[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.