[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*gets down on one knee*
Just so funny
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this