Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
You Might Also Like
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Worst bar ever.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Who says great literature is dead?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”