It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)