[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
who wore it better?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
WHY?!
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.