HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone