HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.