My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Hey I worked for it too!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy