I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My typo game is string.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.