Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.