[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Body by sandwich.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October