Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Yes
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what