whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
spicy snake
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?