“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.