*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.