If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.