[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?