I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?