My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Not😆🤣
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish