I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
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Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
⛄️
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
i baked you a cake
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Lucky old June.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.