JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
motivation