I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
You Might Also Like
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls