why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
This a good idea