People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
my one true gender
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.