“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.