Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?