I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Every time my phone rings
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.