Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL