Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

When your best mate counts as a desk too

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.