I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
You Might Also Like
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.