It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
You Might Also Like
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
sugar glider wrangler
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.